Caregiving Pivot #5 — Thinking for Two

A Desert Quarantine

After our February stay in Apache Junction, my husband and I moved into a three‑bedroom ranch we rented in a rural town outside Phoenix. By then, I was beginning to understand how his short‑term memory loss was shaping our days.

We rented the house March–April 2020. My sister Kim and her husband John brought their fifth wheel and parked right next to the house. My brother Andy and a friend Kathy were each boondocking a few miles away in their own RVs. We hung out together as COVID spread and we had to stay within our little group. I remember for John’s birthday making party favors of hand sanitizer. It was funny — but not so funny as the spring unfolded into COVID precautions. That spring life really changed. Not only because of COVID.

Our little group of five, plus the landlord next door, became our social circle for a couple of months as we all tried to figure out this new normal. My brother from California came and stayed with us for a few days. He had some sort of cold… we did not get sick. We spent a lot of time outside, six feet apart from family and friends.

I continued to work remotely until the end of March, then took a break, enjoying the dry Arizona climate while the world spun into a bit of turmoil.

Planning a 2,000 Mile Return Home

We were quite concerned about how to get back home — 2,000 miles with quarantines, rumors of no restaurants or hotels. We decided to buy a small cargo trailer that had been converted to a camper and haul that home, staying in it along the way. I did the planning, keeping him informed, but I had usually done the planning. I studied where COVID was not an issue and made plans or reservations for camping every 300–400 miles. I analyzed every county where there were no outbreaks recorded to find a place to stay overnight. And I mean, ANALYZED.

Trouble Tracking the COVID Rules

Then there were a couple of hiccoughs. My husband could not seem to understand when and where to wear masks and gloves. More than once we would stop at a gas station and he would bolt into the bathroom — no mask, no gloves — and come out very relieved. I would yell at him. Being a nurse, I always treated COVID as a bad virus nobody wanted. Then I would calm down, explain so I hoped it would stick next time. And I would remind him or go with him. More important than pumping gas.

Outfitting the Tramper

To prepare for the trip, I outfitted the tramper with what I could find locally in Goodwill and from Amazon. I found the only battery bank and solar combination available to be a backup if we didn’t have power; it would give us lights. I bought a chicken lamp and infrared 300W bulb to use as a heater in that small space. A friend gave us a small fan to circulate air — hot or cold — as we would travel from Arizona, where it was already in the 100s some days, to Wisconsin, where the highs were in the 40s and 50s.

 I bought pillows, blankets, cookware. The tramper came with a small butane stove and a refrigerator. I bought extension cables, USB lights, a few dishes (though mostly we used disposable). I was very thankful for the porta potty I found. We filled water jugs to allow for a gallon a day without having to buy or find any. I planned meals — a few ready to heat and the rest easy to cook. Usually we would make the trip in 3–4 days. We planned on 5–6, traveling at slower speeds on back roads hauling a trailer. Approximately 300 miles a day.

Scary Driving Through Albuquerque

Oh yes, then there was the driving. With a minivan hauling a cargo trailer, we had a fair amount of souvenirs and food, water, etc. Enough for 5–6 days anyway. Plus in the van we had all our instruments, clothes, computers from the 3 month “winter relocation.” I remember one stretch as we drove through Albuquerque and New Mexico where the speed limit was 75 — that’s how fast he wanted to go. I watched as the tachometer blipped to 4500 a couple of times, chiding him to slow down.

Thankfully, most of the rest of the trip, I could drive. We were on rural roads as we wove our way through the side highways of Texas, Nebraska, Kansas, and Iowa. We stayed in small campgrounds, most of them non contact. We stayed in the barn of a friend in Iowa; he graciously let us hook up to electric so we could have heat inside the tramper while the temp outside dipped to the 30s. It might have been 100 in AZ, but it wasn’t as we traveled north.

After Iowa, it was only 500 miles to home and the nights were getting colder, so we decided to push through. We could have stopped at our son’s 200 miles from home; we didn’t want to expose him to anything we might have picked up along the way. Remember, no one really knew what this disease could do.

Arriving Home — Thinking For Two

Since it was May when we got home, thankfully there was no snow. I barely remember that arrival. I remember the next time we came home with the tramper to ice and snow — that’s another story. This year, it was almost Mother’s Day and since we all isolated – it was great to receive a bouquet of roses.

I would say this is when I remember thinking: If I ever write a book, I’ll call it Thinking for Two. That was the turning point of that era. It was my realization that I was now carrying the mental load for both of us, and the final decision for nearly everything rested on me. Little sharing of burdens anymore. A big relationship change.